Manpon

Recent events led me to list “men who act like girls” on a recent Facebook note, under pet peeves. I’m all for the evolution of the male gender into more expressive and emotional creatures, and don’t misunderstand- I love men. This is by no means a man-hating post. They know  stuff I’m clueless about, some of them are cute and smell good, they’re funny and entertaining in general. This post is a plea for more masculinity and maturity. My tolerance for moodiness, hand-wringing, and lack of confidence in men is nonexistent. Too much of this behavior destroys my respect and affection with a quickness.

Talk to Me.

I don’t expect men to communicate with the depth and frequency that women do. Perhaps a good rule for men to follow: if something is bothering you, and it’s affecting the way you deal with other people, you might make them aware of it. Have a problem with me? Have an opinion about me? Want something from me? Need something from me? Need or want less of something from me? Just let me know, already. No amount of mixed signals is going to convey your message. I’m a big girl- I can handle the truth, if I know what it is. Are you a big enough man to tell me? For fuck’s sake, when you do tell me, don’t apologize for it. Don’t simper and whine. Own it. It’s your thought/feeling/problem/opinion/need/request, and if it’s important enough to drive your behavior, it’s important enough to put out there in words, and it’s important enough to be heard and considered. You men should be well aware that fishing is best done in the water and nowhere else.

Make Up Your Mind

I am the Queen of Indecision. I understand the need to review your options, consider your circumstances, and try to predict outcomes. I’m a talker, so I understand gathering opinions and talking through your own thoughts and feelings. There comes a time, however, when you just have to make up your mind and lay your bets. Preferably, you’ll do this before I get tired of listening to you analyze it. God help you if I’m waiting for you to make a decision that affects me, because my patience with your hand-wringing just left town. That’s probably the quickest way to get me out of your hair. If you take too long to decide on something I’m involved with, I’m likely to make your decision for you, if you catch my drift.

Be Confident, or at least Fake It Till You Make It

I’m not referring to the occasional bout of self-doubt we all suffer or the fine line between confidence and arrogance. I will say that I have a higher tolerance for arrogance than self depreciation. Whether we’re family, friends, or otherwise involved, people want to be around people that have something to offer, that bring something to the table. So be proud of what you bring to the table. Also, when you talk yourself down to me, I feel your need to be dis proven or argued out of your self-doubt. Again, fishing is done in rivers. Not in conversation. I can’t convince you of your worth, and I’ll spend not another hot minute of my life trying to do that for anyone. When you tell me that you, your job, your house, your hobbies, your whatever is “nothing special”, you’ve just told me I’m wasting my time talking to you. At the very least, you’re wasting your life away working and doing and keeping “nothing special”. Don’t apologize for complimenting me. How simpering and weak. If you admire my writing, tell me. If you admire my figure, tell me. Then don’t apologize for telling me. I don’t know if other girls aren’t good at accepting compliments or what, but you may as well have not complimented me if you feel the need to apologize immediately afterward. If you’re behaving in this way because you’re intimidated by me somehow, then we’re both wasting our time. So go find someone you can talk to like a man.

You’re the Hunter, Not Me

I won’t chase men. I may get a little too direct, friendly or responsive when I’m attracted to someone, but in general, you need to do the pursuing or we will never get anywhere. I’ll look at you from across the room, catch your eye and smile. I’ll continue a conversation you start. You’ll know during that conversation whether or not I’d be willing to have another conversation with you, say, over dinner or coffee. I won’t give you my number, more than likely, unless I’ve accepted a date from you. Why? Because I don’t want to give you my number and then receive random half-hearted and grammatically horrific text messages. “wold like to cu sometimes” “ur hot” “ur beyond belief” “i has no girlfriend”. My response, whether you receive it or not, is: UR SUCH A NEUTERED IDIOT. Ask me if I’d like to something specific within a specific time frame if you’re going to ask me out. I’m worth the effort, and I need to know that you are willing and capable of making at least that much of an effort before I invest any time in you. Of course, you won’t do that if you’re just trying to get me into bed…..

Can You Handle It?

If you are just trying to get me into bed, you’ll have to be twice as confident and charming, because you’re trying to convince me to make a bigger investment with little to no return on investment after the deed is done. You’re not going to get anywhere unless I’m as sure as possible that you are respectful, discreet and mature enough to handle such an arrangement.  I’ve seen many men screw up a casual sex arrangement with a girl because they felt compelled to treat her like a leper or a piece of trash, lest she start hearing wedding bells. Some women actually mean what we say when we say we don’t want a relationship. When you pointedly treat us like stalkers or trash, you kill the chemistry that created the environment for the arrangement in the first place.

Men, please take these words to heart. Grow up, get smart, and be MEN. I thank you, my friends thank you, women everywhere thank you.

/rant

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10 Responses

  1. Question:

    Does all of the aforementioned rantation apply if the one-night-stand actually does suffer from leprosy and, if one chooses to engage in such an encounter with said PWL (person with leprosy), how many condoms do you think would be sufficient? I’m thinkin’, like, six.

    Yeah, I’m thinkin’ that lepers shouldn’t be getting any at all. This rant is for guys who *treat* girls like lepers. Cause you know how we wimmens are, you screw us once, we sneak in your bedroom window and slip a wedding band on your finger!

  2. Excellent rant… Sending a virtual high-five your way!

    I know a few women that could benefit from the “your incessant lack of self-confidence is pissing me off” parts, too. More assertion, less passive-aggressive BS all around, please. 🙂

    Oh, the ladies? That is a post of it’s own, and well done, probably a three part series. 😉

  3. Bravo!!!!! I can only imagine what prompted you to write that thing on the list to begin with.

    This post was inspired by a mix of personal experience, both past and present, discussions with my girlfriends, and general observations. I hope that was vague enough… 😉

  4. I will be using the line “I has no girlfriend” at some point in the very near future, haha.

    So I don’t know where the line is between “confident” and “needlessly arrogant.” I can’t figure that out and, thus, I always end up coming off as less than confident, though that’s due to other things as well. And I have a bad tendency to apologize, even when I don’t need to. I can’t help it- I’ve been this way for so long. Maybe I can break myself of these habits but, truth be told, I’m afraid I’d lose a certain part of me that makes me the person I like. But, then again, that persona hasn’t been working for me terribly well recently.

    I think I’ll be printing this list out and studying it like I studied vocab lists for the GREs, haha. Maybe I can be redeemed…

    I believe in you! 🙂 Also, I’ve been very attracted to some incredibly arrogant men. They included me in their arrogance, as if no other two people were as smart, as sexy or as “with it” as “we” were. I think that’s the secret. You’re not better than her, the two of you are just a little bit better than everyone else. 😉

  5. OMG, yes. Please write the 3 parter on the ladies, too! LOVE IT.

    ask, and ye shall receive…. 😉

  6. All I can say is… amen, sister. 🙂 lol

  7. “Be Confident, or at least Fake It Till You Make It.”

    That’s pretty much my life philosophy.

  8. “God help you if I’m waiting for you to make a decision that affects me, because my patience with your hand-wringing just left town.”

    I LOVE THIS and a big “Amen!” to you for writing it. It is my biggest pet peeve with my husband…

  9. Ummm, okay – I unapologetically admire your writing . . . . :o)

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