Doubt

A lot of people have showered me in praise for being so strong about the divorce. I am strong. Always have been. I wonder if those people would still say that if they knew about my four o clock in the mornings, when I wake up with a start, sitting straight up in bed in a cold sweat. What if they knew that at four in the morning, I’m scared to death? Petrified.

Of what? Not learning to mow the lawn or use a weedwacker, though the grass grows as I speak and I’ve been kindly informed that I’ll have to cut it twice at this point, at least. Not taking care of myself in daily life, or paying my bills. Certainly not living without something I apparently never had.

I’m scared that no one will ever love me. When I say scared, I mean pretty god damned sure that I just need to get another couple of cats, resign myself to an occasional fling here and there if the opportunity presents itself, and will everything to my sister.

Yes, my family and friends love me dearly. That isn’t what we’re talking about. We’re talking about skywriting and long stemmed red roses and eating ice cream in front of shitty tv in the middle of the night. Who in God’s name would sign up for a lifetime pass on this train-wreck?

I’m not looking for love right now. I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I found it. I’m not even sure what it looks like anymore.

No, I’m on a steady diet of fun for the foreseeable future.

I just hope it’s not the only thing ever on my menu.

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11 Responses

  1. you will be okay. it wont be easy, but you will be okay. just keep reminding yourself that.

    i will. i will remind myself. i will be okay. i will remind myself. i will be okay. i…need a drink.

  2. A diet of fun sounds… well… fun!

    Take your time and just do what *you* feel like doing. I too sometimes feel like I’m going to end up as mad cat woman. But we won’t you know, because we’re better than that.

    I hope we are, my love. I hope we are.

  3. I guess I’ve been behind on the news! I know exactly what you’re talking about. Those 4am heebie jeebies suck ass, but they do pass.
    And I hope you have a lot of fun.

    Behind, schmehid. You’re behind me, as in, in my corner, and that’s priceless.

  4. I think the only thing that will help is time, unfortunately. I’d feel the same exact way, but you have to remember that there are great things in store for you! Things you may never have had the experience of seeing or doing if you hadn’t made this very tough decision.

    true. at least i’ll be having fun.

  5. Oh Cat, how I dearly wish I lived closer… because I know how to mow lawns and whack weeds and I’ve traveled the path that you are on… but the one thing I never learned is who I am. Take the time to find YOU.

    I’m an employee, a daughter, a POSSLQ, a critter momma but who I am without these things defining me is something I have no clue about.

    You’re standing in the middle of the “ruin” right now… but I have not a doubt in my mind that you will rise like a Phoenix and things will be “ok” for you. You aren’t the train wreck, sister, you were just at the crossing when the train came by full-speed.

    i like your analogy. ❤

  6. like I have told you many, many, many times before…you are strong, no matter how scary life is…

    let’s just hope that either i’m strong enough to die alone or that somehow it’s unnecessary.

  7. Take your time darling. Try not to judge yourself. And soak up that fun!

    Yes, ma’am. 😉

  8. Oh, hon. Of course I know there’s nothing I can say- a broken heart is a broken heart is a broken heart, and nothing anyone says or does will change that… except time. But you’ll get there. You will. xoxo

    i know. i’m not famous for my patience. 😉

  9. if you weren’t doubting SOMETHING right now i would question your sanity. well, maybe not. but because you are certainly doesn’t mean your strength isn’t still shining through. no one who has gone through what you are going through has ever made it through without a sleepless night or a fit of tears or even a bit of aimlessness. no. you’re only human, my darling, but you are a strong, amazing one and you will be absolutely fine.

    i think you’ll find love again someday, i really do. and you will know what it looks like when you find it. you just need to let this one fly away first.

    just when i think i couldn’t love you more? i find myself, well, loving you more. ❤

  10. I’m starting to catch up on blogs since vacation. You are truly strong and brave – being scared is totally normal and you are doing great. Fun is just what you need now and you have plenty of time for the rest and IT WILL COME! You are still very young with a lot of life in front of you. 🙂 For now just lean on those who are there for you.

  11. From the little I have gleaned of the Cat I know now…you, my dear….are NOT a train wreck. I know no details, only what an outsider can know, and I’m telling ya sister…..If someone doesn’t come along and snap you up one day, then THEY are the crazy ones. You are witty, kind and gorgeous. Keep your chin up Cat. He’s out there….I promise!

    Thank you, darlin’. It means a lot to me.

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