TMI Thursday: No Boundaries

Okay babies, today is TMI Thursday, and our subject this week is my Daddy, because he has no boundaries. A few examples for your entertainment…..

Upon the purchase of my first bra:

We were eating lunch with my Grandma (his Mom), and he reached behind me and snapped my bra. I, of course, turned a lovely shade of crimson and scowled. My Grandma chided my Dad for embarrassing me. His response? “She needs to get used to it now- you’ve met my wife, right? I figure that bra will fit her for about two weeks.”

Shortly before I had my first period:

He brought home a “starter kit” from Tampax, complete with pamphlets, friendship bracelets and free samples. When he gives it to me, he says: “Here, I got this for you. Girl, you’ll be a woman soon, and now I won’t have to run to the store when it happens.”

When that first period arrived:

Mom told him to pick me up some supplies during his regular grocery shopping. He comes home with the groceries, and exclaims as he sets the bags down on the table: “Fuck! FUCK! This is just great! Three girls, and I’ve got two on the rag and one in diapers!”

When I started birth control for medical reasons (at the tender age of 14):

He hands me the prescription and says: “This won’t keep you from getting the AIDS, Cathy. You need rubbers for that. These only keep you from getting knocked up.”

At any point after I required a bra and he caught me slouching:

“Stand up straight. Pull those shoulders back. Stick your boobs out- walk proud!”

When I was sixteen:

“We’ve not really talked about sex. I mean, I know you know how it works and all that. But you should know that what makes sex special is being discriminating about it. When you meet a guy, wait a month to have sex with him. Unless he’s really special, then two weeks is probably enough.”

When I tried to walk out of the house in the skimpiest tank top known to man:

“Your mother wants to burn that shirt. She says it’s underwear, and it does look like underwear, and you fill it out well. I’m not going to make you change, because I know why you’re wearing it. Wherever you’re going, there is some guy there that you want to see you in that shirt, and you want it to make him think things about you. So I’m only going to tell you this: that guy will see you, and he will think those things, and every other guy you see, even guys my age, will see you and think those very same things. They’ll think it right then, and then they’ll go home and think about you again…. so if you’re okay with that, I guess I can be.”

When he walked in on MH and I in the mother of all compromising positions:

“Um, hey, you two, dinner’s ready, when you’re finished.”

And now, sweet dears, the grand finale………

Upon finding out that my Mom and I have the same bone structure, even though she was almost 100 pounds heavier than me at the time:

“I can’t believe your Mom could look like you if she put the fork down. I mean, for Chrissakes, Cathy, I can’t even let her get on top anymore. I can’t take it!”

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20 Responses

  1. Oh.

    My baby jesus.

    What do I have to do to have a beer with this guy? I bet he’s got BUCKETS of TMI stories.

    • If you are the queen of TMI, he is assuredly the king. He loves to tell them too. If you want to have beers with him, we could arrange it. 😉

  2. HILARIOUS! Wow is all I can say! So did you wear the skimpy tank top cause I think I’d have been so creeped out by the speech I would have changed immediately! LOL

    Thankfully my dad is of the variety that is embarrassed to even think about female things and turns red. And anything even slightly sex related and he’s GONE! But the funniest thing is he saw a Playboy marketing piece at my sister’s house (not even the magazine – just a solicitation) and he freaked out about them having “pono” in the house with children. Yes – my dad doesn’t even know that it’s called PORN or a PORNO he calls it PONO! It’s a standing joke with my sister and I now – “wouldn’t want the kid to see any ‘pono’ now would we?”

    • Your Dad is funny! 😉 Yes, I changed immediately. My Dad knows how to get through to me! 😉

  3. HA- yes, these are all pretty hilarious. If anyone in my family said these things to me… yeah, I’d be a little freaked out. I’m impressed that you were able to stay composed, I would imagine.

    • Having been raised by him, I’m pretty much immune. Sometimes he still embarrasses me, but it’s hard to do.

  4. Your dad is amazing!!

  5. your dad is a fucking lunatic, but I still love him! Even when he’s passed out on the floor twitching! He’s definitely one of a kind. Thank God he broke that mold!

    • Aww. He is a raving lunatic, a loveable one, though. I think he’s at his cutest when he’s passed out. So sweet and innocent…

      Know who else I love?

      YOU.

  6. LMAO!!!!

    Seriously, I gotta go pee now. That was AWESOME!!

    My fave line from my dad “Sex isn’t just procreation but recreation”. I was 14.

  7. LMAO!!!! I can’t believe it. My Dad would never have said that shit. The one about the tank top? Freakin’ FANTASTIC.

  8. And even through all of this, I’d still take your Dad over mine any day of the week. He may make you blush but it’s pretty clear he actually cares about you…. which is way more than I can say about my Dad!

  9. At least the inappropriate comments only seemed to start around puberty, and not before.

    There weren’t any before. Right?

  10. You win. All I got was the cryptic (to me, at the time), “You’re filling out well” from my father’s mother. I don’t think my father noticed I hit puberty.

  11. Oh my goodness, I enjoyed the hell out of that. I LOVE inappropriate relations (you know, so long s they’re not MINE!) Secretly i’d love someone like that in my family. The entertainment value is priceless. 🙂 Your dad rocks.

  12. HA!!
    Oh my God, the man had nerves.
    I remember my poor poor dad when I asked him what a period was when I read about it in a Sweet Valley High book on a camping trip. My mom wasn’t there. He wasn’t happy about that.

  13. Hilarious stuff! I love hearing about different family relations and these words are priceless!

  14. OMG! Your dad is awesome! I’d also love to have a beer with him…the tank top story was fabulous…he knew exactly what he was doing, too…what girl (or woman, for that matter) wants some old nasty lecherous mofo thinking about her in her tank top (or out of said tank top) long after the moment has passed? Blegh.

  15. Your dad sounds badass and awesome. 🙂

  16. Oh your Dad! I always complained that my Dad never spoke, but I guess the other end of the spectrum may be just as tough. Glad to hear (at least I think I’m reading it correctly, that you and your Dad have a good relationship now).

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