Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

Almost every woman of childbearing age in my office is cycling the week, and I’m not talkin’ about bikes. Can you imagine? Almost all of us? The vending machine will be empty by end of business, probably.

So I thought maybe some of my male readers could solve a mystery for me.

Why, for the love of soft serve ice cream, do you boys tell us to eat?

“I wish you’d have something more than cereal for dinner.”

“You need a sandwich. Can I make you a sandwich.”

“Eat more food. Lots more. You’re freaking me out.”

” You should open that other can of tuna, too.”

“Is that all you’re having?”

Why do you do this? Why? It isn’t what you really want. I’ve seen porn. (once, by accident. 😉 )

Those girls do not sport the kind of muffin top or back fat that is acquired through sandwiches and four course dinners, and making friends with cake and cookies. They do not have thigh waddles. They do not have just a touch more ass than belongs in a Brazilian bikini bottom.

That’s who you’re looking at, who really turns you on and gets you going, and they’re eating cereal for dinner. So why are you trying to feed me?

I’m not bitter. I’m not anti-porn. It’s the discrepancy that I don’t get. Don’t say, either, that the porn girls aren’t fun to hang out with when doing unporny things. I may eat cereal for dinner, but eating steak isn’t going to make me any more or less charming. I swear.

One of my favorite guys in the office gave me a great explanation. He said that guys think that girls like hearing that they  need to eat. So you don’t really want me to eat another cookie, you just think that telling me to have another cookie brings you a little bit closer to getting in my pants.

What say you?

Next week we will discuss the relationship between a woman’s mood and the coverage her underwear affords her.  Stay tuned.

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6 Responses

  1. We love the women we love no matter what they look like, plain and simple.

    Go fucking eat something already.

    Oh, and watch some more porn. It’s good for you.

    • Okay, but I can’t eat and watch porn at the same time. I can only deal with one biological need at a time. 😉

  2. Hmmmm, I’ve never made the offering food-getting into pants connection before. I don’t understand why the whole act of eating is such a big deal, like it’s what lots of people do on dates. I mean, are we saying that the romantic act should go part and parcel with merely sustaining ourselves with food? I wish I knew the answer to these things.

  3. Oh, any man that tells me to eat more can has my heart! ❤

    And I would definitely contend that guys don’t want to be with porn girls…Cliche, but yes, they really do want someone who will eat normally/intuitively!

    As for Tom’s comment, I’ve seen some nature shows where offering food to a woman is the first part of a mating ritual- scientists compare this to a man taking a woman to dinner. Interesting, yes?

  4. Oh, come on– don’t “I can’t” when you’ve never even tried.

    Trust me, it can be done, and I’m no multitasker.

  5. It may be a tactic that guys use to imply a woman is slim. Guys know that a lot of ladies are obsessed with their weight and they also know that the surest way to get a woman enamored (ie: to get her wanting some from him) is to tell them in a sly way that they care about them without actually coming out and saying it.

    Guy secret: (declassified) “To imply is better than to commit.”
    Of course, most intelligent women realize this, as most guys are too dumb to use the more sophisticated methods of getting in a girls pants (sorry, those remain classified, lol)

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