TMI Thursday

Okay, so my TMI is real-time. I’m PMS’ing.

I’ve been going through this nearly every month since the tender age of eleven or twelve, and yet, it still takes me awhile to catch on.  Why is that?

Day One:   I want to eat bad stuff. Like peanut butter eggs and hostess cupcakes and fried anything and chocolate chips straight out of the bag, and would it be really rude to drink the clarified butter when I’ve finished my lobster? Yes? Okay, I’ll wait till my boss uses the restroom. Why am I craving all this bad, horrible stuff? Why can’t I put the fork down?

Day Two:  I feel fat. I am five pounds heavier than I was this time last week. I have a bloat bump. None of my clothes look right. Am a cow. Surely will have to grease my ginormous hips through my office door. My face is ugly. My skin is all washed out, and my nose is wrong. My eyes are too small. My hair is gross. Why do I feel so fat and ugly?

Day Three:  I wake up irritated. Irritated with the dog. Irritated with WH (even if he’s not home- why does he leave his boxers on the bathroom counter, when is he going to cook that ground beef he thawed?! HE IS WASTING GROUND BEEF. If he lets it go bad, I will make him eat it raw.). Irritated with drivers- YOU! IN THE PRIUS! THANKS FOR PULLING OUT IN FRONT OF ME AND GOING 20 MILES PER HOUR. OBAMA HATES YOU. HE HATES PEOPLE THAT MAKE ME LATE WHEN MY BOSS IS IN TOWN. JESUS HATES YOU TOO****.  Irritated with WH for asking me to have lunch with him when he knows I can’t commit to that because my boss is here, and why would he do that, is he putting me in a position to have to choose so he can tell me later that I don’t care enough about him, that if I really loved him I would insist that my boss let me have lunch with him? Why couldn’t he just invite me tomorrow? He KNOWS I would rather have lunch with him than anyone else?! And now I feel like I missed out on something and I’m a bad wife and something has been taken away from me. Who to hate more? Boss or husband? The sound of anyone’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard.  Why are all these people being so goddamned difficult?!

Oh. Wait. Hmm. Put third patch on four days ago. Let me check… wait for it… yep! The new moon starts today. Maybe it’s me?
Now that I’ve figured it out, I will continue to be a junk food stuffing, whiny, self-depreciating bitch. I will say mean and nasty things to WH without thinking about it, and then immediately apologize, thus denying him any ability to be hurt or hold me accountable. I will cry at the drop of a hat. My stomach will start to bother me, either as a function of my hormones or as a result from all the crap I’m eating.

And then, at my utter apex of undesirable behavior, I will look over at WH, bat my eyelashes, and threaten him within an inch of his life if he doesn’t serve up the lovin’. Should he want to eat, sleep, or take care of some other need before he addresses mine, I will take it as a sign that our marriage is in trouble and that he hates me. Then, in a an hour or so, when he’s ready, I won’t have anything to do with him. I’ll tell him I don’t feel well. Let’s take a nap. We’ll take care of this later. After my nap. And we will. We will take a nap, and I will wake up bleeding.

I will then wonder why he’s such an asshole for the next week.

Even though we’ve gone through this process every month since we’ve lived together.

Don’t you wish you lived with me?

** When people have religious or political bumper stickers on their car, and they are in front of me and annoying me, I tell them that whoever they support (Obama, Jesus) hates bad drivers. It’s my special kind of road rage. I don’t really think Jesus hates them.

14 Responses

  1. We women are scary, crazy bitches. But really, I think I’d rather be a woman and deal with periods and bloating than be a man and deal with a sack of testicles swinging about between my legs every damn day. I mean, if we’re being real…lol

  2. Ummm – WOW! 🙂

    Thankfully I just get cramps and chocolate cravings.

    Although this month my cramps went from my abdomen to my back and were quite painful. Then my hip started bothering me. My chiro says that when we have our period our body loosens up the ligaments a bit and it makes it easier for things to pop out of alignment then.

    GREAT! One more reason that having a period really sucks.

  3. “I don’t really think Jesus hates them.”

    I do.

    I never thought I used to get PMS, but after living with B for the past 6 months, I am definitely realizing otherwise… poor guys.

  4. As a result of this post, I will never, EVER complain about anything biological/body related because I’m a guy and I don’t have to deal with anything like that.

    That being said, I’m afraid to say anything here because I’m pretty sure I’ll just say the wrong thing.

  5. Ooh I’m due to start bleeding in, oh, 30 minutes, so I feel you. Fortunately, being on the pill so long has gotten my period down to about 3-4 days and the pms to 1.

    But I still get really angry and eat crap and say I’m disgusting and I hate myself but I hate you more. All in one day. And then I cry and in my head I’m like “Bitch quit crying, you know your ass is crazy” but I still do. Fantastic.

  6. […] the original post: TMI Thursday Category: Food & Drink | Tags: crazy, critters, facebook, flashbacks, gettin-smart, […]

  7. This is the one good thing about The Redneck working out of town. I’m lucky though. I just took care of that problem last August. At forty, I’m too frickin’ old to be doing that crap. LOL.

  8. having balls is awesome.

  9. this is too funny! i was just talking about that
    i have the same stages
    except i also say this EVERY SINGLE MONTH: “geez, why does my back hurt so much?”
    as soon as those words come out of my mouth, i should know what’s up but i never ever ever ever clue in
    and i cry for no reason but it’s REALLY important and serious
    hahaha oh dear
    pms is awesome. not!

  10. as a guy, i haven’t even said “PMS” out loud in years. i was told the suggestion of it, by a guy, at the wrong time, can mean his death.

    i feel i may have said too much even here.

  11. Last week I got righteously pissed off at macaroni. For spilling on the floor when I picked up the box causing the bottom to fall out. Then I kicked it clean across the room and sulked for an hour.


  12. Does WH have a blog? I’d like to read his thoughts about your period.

    And what, exactly, does that say about me?

  13. These are the times that try mens souls….
    Nuff said!

  14. OMG, I am DYING with laughter! Hil-effin-arious! Ain’t it grand to be a gal?

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