Awakening

It occurred to me yesterday, as I struggled hard to focus and stay on task. What kept popping up? Things I can’t control! I spend my time and energy on things I have no control over. I shall provide you with a handy list:

  • Not having enough money.
  • The way that people treat me.
  • How they feel about me.
  • Conflicts that do not involve me.
  • Conversations that do not involve me.
  • Other people’s problems.
  • Earning the affection and approval of people that don’t really care about me.
  • What people do to make me look stupid or diminish my contribution.
  • What people are saying about me behind my back.
  • Trying to win competitions I have no chance in.
  • Wishing things could be the way they were before.
  • Trying to figure people out that don’t even know themselves.
  • Attempting to please and appease everyone, lest someone be mad at me or not like me.
  • Situations that are not a net positive for me.

We can clearly see why I have no focus, and why the Big Five have sufferred as they have. Instead of using my time and energy to do what I’m supposed to be doing, I’ve been concentrating on just about everything else. Why am I doing this? My obligations are ones that are meaningful to me. I’ve taken on the Big Five of my own accord, for solid reasons. Why would I neglect them for this silly list?

I think it was because I was trying so hard to grasp what slipped through my fingers last year. I can’t go back to having money to throw around. I never really had money to throw around. That’s why I’m in trouble now. Relationships change, and no magic wand can turn back the clock.

What I’m saying here is that it’s more than time to move forward. I’ve fallen into my old traps of chasing things I can’t ever catch, instead of putting my efforts towards things I can. And as quickly as I type this, I realize- this is the bulk of the darkness and misery I’ve suffered for so long. The realization kills it, too. Sure, sometimes I still catch myself worrying and wondering after old crap, but it’s easy to push it out and replace it with important problems to solve and things to do.

Like catching up on my wonderful freaders! 😉

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5 Responses

  1. growing up is fun, ain’t it?

  2. Those sorts of things are really tough to let go of, and I don’t know if we ever FULLY do (at least I haven’t) but once you do, it feels great.

  3. These are tough to let go, but worth it. My motto is I can only start from where I am right now.

  4. These are things that come and go–and the ambition to deal with them does too. But I applaud you for taking that step in the right direction.

    And for the record, I am always way too concerned with conversations that don’t involve me. I can’t even explain this obsession.

  5. I do exactly the same thing! The only way to stay sane, I’ve found, is to focus on what is directly in front of my face, like the next five minutes, and that’s it! And also, forcing myself to pay attention to the OTHER PEOPLE around me and what they may need ’cause my crazy is far too often caused by being compulsively obsessed about me, me, and more me.

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