As I’m writing this post, WH is watching college football. Every so often, he looks over at me and says something about football. Some kind of new offense, or was it defense? Who cares? Not me. I hate football.

Every fall, perfectly loveable people turn into obsessed freaks who are barely capable of having a conversation that does not contain the word football. High school football, college football, professional football. I must admit I feel betrayed when a female friend or family member gets sucked in. Saturday afternoons are scheduled around football games. Friends duck out early for fantasy draft picks. Office small talk starts to contain unbearable amounts of football discussion. People are actually crabby the day after their team loses.

I get irritated with the pointlessness of it. I could understand if it was something you were doing, but how is watching someone else play a game so damn exciting? My parents are huge football freaks, and so I spent a lot of time watching them yell, dance, stomp and pound over some guys with a ball. Why do you care? What is so emotional about watching other people win or lose a game?

Unexpected Bill is an absolute football freak. Which I find not only maddening, but incredibly ironic and amusing, because Unexpected Bill is not a team sports kind of guy. He’s lucky to walk through a room without disaster. I can’t imagine him having any sort of coordination. UB records all the games on his dvr so he can watch them one by one. He watches all the commentary and the before and after shows. If there isn’t anything football related on, he will watch replays of old games. He hides his cell phone when waiting to watch a recorded game. This is because all of his football friends will call and text to discuss who won and why.

A lot of the fire in my hatred for football comes from how long the games are and that they screw up my dvr recordings. If I show I have set to record comes on after a football game, I have to record an extra hour just to make sure that I don’t watch the show later from the dvr only to have the ending cut off or worse. I have also found that one minute in football time is equal to five regular minutes. If you are waiting on a game to end to get someone to do something or even just hold an intelligent conversation, and there are five minutes left in the game, you have twenty minutes to kill. Guaranteed.

People always suggest that I try to like it- the whole “if you can’t beat em, join em” argument. I see what they’re saying, but I just can’t get interested. It’s two teams of men fighting over a ball, arbitrated by some random rules about what you can and cannot do. I think this might be a conspiracy to lengthen the amount of time it takes to play the game. Stopping every three minutes to take five minutes to argue about a wrist hold or something just screams conspiracy to me.

Sure, I have my useless pleasures, like reality tv. I love reality tv. It’s just so interesting to see real people and how they act. Facinating. Entertaining. But I don’t take it as far as people take their football. I’m not upset the day after someone I like is eliminated from a show. I don’t really care. It’s entertaining in the moment, but it has no staying power. I will discuss reality tv with friends who watch it, but really after a minute or two of discussion, what really is there to say? It has no real impact or meaning, so it’s not worth of much air time. Kind of like football.

My latest coping method is to talk about reality tv whenever someone tries to talk to me about football. They either have no idea what I’m talking about because they don’t watch reality tv, or I’ve successfully changed the subject. When I get that deer in the headlights look, or a good eye roll, I just say “Exactly. What I just said means nothing to you, and you’re content to keep it that way.”

Only five months to go. ~shudder~

4 Responses

  1. My solution to make football more interesting:

    Reduce the number of players on the field. That way, there are more exciting chases and less stupid run-into-each-other-and-fall-downs.

    No matter what, it’s a lame way to spend four hours of your life.

  2. No, I don’t think the ratio of running vs. piling on each other makes a difference.

    I knew you were good people, Ben.

  3. Another football widow here – my husband spent all day on the couch yesterday watching games. He never got off it, never even took a shower, fell asleep on it last night – still sitting on it now. Today is NFL football – my Saturdays and Sundays are really dull during football season for me.

  4. Thou fools, not to know the hindest part of a man. This is where he is most likely to be hit!

    Someone text me the score of the Colts v Bears game. I’m travelling.

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