I Remember

I remember what it was like to be wanted. Not just desired, though I remember that too. Wanted. As in sought after. As in welcome. As in cherished.

I remember what it was like to be held. To be touched. To know that I was really here, no- present. I remember when that touch held so much love, it took the breath from my chest. I remember when that love was so tangible it made my heart hurt.

I remember when even the anger was passionate, intense. I remember when I cared so much that I could hardly stand the slightest discord. I remember when I would have never thought not to say “I love you”.

I remember all the dreams and wishes and hopes. The ones that seem like cruel fairy tales now. I remember thinking that things would never be this way for us. Not for us.

I remember the day I stood on the top of that mountain and made my vows, and how happy we were. I remember a love that couldn’t be broken. I remember the light and the heat and the power between us. I remember feeling and thinking to the core of my being that this is all I’ll ever want or need.

I wonder if he remembers. I wonder if I’ll ever feel that way again. I wonder if he will. I wonder if it will ever be possible to feel that way together again. I wonder if it was all youthful optimism. I wonder if it’s dead or just dormant. Or maybe even if I imagined it. I’m hungry for that love, that rush, that touch. Starving for it. I’m ready to pick through trash cans, do some dumpster diving, something- anything- just to feel it again.

7 Responses

  1. I hope you feel it again. I’m sorry. I hope you can do this together.

  2. My experience has been that this feeling does go away after a relationship has been in place for awhile. But it does come back from time to time. In the 10 years that Pete and I have been together I’d say we’ve fallen in love all over again twice after the first time and the period of intense feeling lasts for awhile until real life takes over again.

    There have been times when we were so out of synch that I wondered if we would be able to survive it only to have us arrive back in synch just in the knick of time.

    I don’t know what you and WH need to get there, but it is worth it. Try to find some time to reconnect if you can – a weekend camping and hiking with BadAss since I know he just started a new job and $$$ is still tight from the time with no job.

    And pick your battles – some things aren’t worth fighting about – or at least not now. For the sake of harmony and rediscovering that feeling together you may have to overlook some things that really do piss you off.

    I hope you can get back in synch again – I have faith that you can. πŸ™‚

  3. I hope you feel this way again and I’m sure you will πŸ™‚

  4. I agree with Tricia–I think the “in love” feeling comes and goes many times over the course of a lifelong relationship. It might help to talk to a counselor or a third party you both trust. Sometimes the outside perspective really helps! I wish you all the love and passion in the world!

  5. I’m of the opinion that there’s something even better underneath all that “new” passion and intensity–something strong, steady, slow and wonderful. It takes time to find and it takes care to nurture.
    It’s there.
    What happens to most people is that either one of the two won’t care for it and it dies, or they give up before it’s discovered.
    Have faith.

  6. I just felt the tears and energy and passion throughout your words. Thank you for that. All the comments speak to reconnection and sensibility… I do agree with Jenn McK as she explores life beyound newness, but I can truly appreciate desiring the new again. Your words are palpable.

  7. […] would be too simple to say that the world won. There certainly is a lot of truth to it, but it was more than that. They were very different people, and that was a good thing and a bad thing. It was wonderful when […]

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