I can’t quite decide how to feel. On one hand, I am grateful for what I have, every bit of it, and don’t always feel that I have earned or deserve it. On the other hand, I feel stupid and used and like I’ve been conditioned to be grateful to lick crumbs up off of the floor. Every relationship- personal and professional- is a give and take situation. How do you decide when you are giving too much more than you take? How do you decide when you just don’t have anything left to give, even if maybe you aren’t giving too much more than what you get? Is it petty to keep score, or do they tell you that to keep you from paying too much attention to being taken advantage of? How long must one bide their time? Pay their dues? Have patience and hope?

Which is more shameful; allowing yourself to be used up, or not being loyal to the people who have supported you? Where is my breaking point? Do I wait that long? Until I’m about to come out of my skin? Until I can’t hold it back any longer and the dam breaks? Do you make these kinds of decisions when you’re miserable? Seemingly it isn’t the best idea, but what if that’s the only way to end the misery? Even though it doesn’t end it, it just changes it to a new and different kind of misery? Or what if you give up something you thought you were settling for and you weren’t really settling at all? What if it really was the best you could do, and you threw it away?

When people are willing to show you the worst of themselves, is that a compliment? A testament to your intimacy and bond? Or does it mean that they trust you to be a doormat, to understand and accept what they don’t believe others can or will?

Do you ever feel like you’re screaming as loud as you can, but no one can hear you? Or is it just that no one listens?


5 Responses

  1. I get you.
    Girl- who the hell knows how to deal with people? We’re all crazy.

  2. I’ve struggled with this sort of thing before and don’t have a good answer. I waited too long but the only reason I could make the decisions I did was because I waited too long. I hope you find your answers and that it gets better for you.

  3. Yes.
    I can describe this feeling in an Alanis Morrisette video. Isn’t it ironic.

  4. I wish I could make it all better…I love you Cat!

  5. Awww, Cat, I’m so sorry. I feel like we need to talk. I haven’t been around much lately, just got a new job so I suspect I know at least some of what you allude to. And cancelled Christmas? WTF? That just ain’t right, as we used to say in Texas. 🙂 Anyway, drop me a line if you get time, and let me know if there’s anything you need and what you’re going through! I’m getting worried reading these last few entries!

    Oh, and most important: YOU can do MUCH better no matter WHAT you’re doing now. Don’t ever doubt yourself Missy! I think we all feel we don’t deserve our successes, but the truth is we do, and you are more special than most! I said so.

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