Flashback: Halloween 1997

This story takes place back in the way back when, before WH was WH. Back then, he was OB- Older Boyfriend. We had been together almost a year, but this was our first Halloween together. He wanted to take me to a haunted house with some of our friends. I had never been to a haunted house before, but I love scary movies, and it’s kind of the same thing, right?

You get two stories for the price of one here, because on the way to the haunted house, the alternator belt in WH’s car died. We all but rolled into the scariest, nastiest AutoZone I have ever seen before the car died completely. WH went inside, bought a new belt and borrowed some wrench thingy. He stood on his front bumper, used an old screwdriver to hold the whatchamcallit up out of the way, and he put the new belt in, and then he had to hold the aforementioned whatchamcallit way up out of the way so I could tighten the belt. He said “this thing is super-extra-heavy, so as soon as I say go, pull back on that handle (of the wrench thingy) as hard and fast as you can”. So I did just what he said- I pulled back on that wrench handle thingy as hard and as fast as I could. It didn’t move an inch, but I did elbow WH in the eye and send him flying off the bumper of his car and onto his ass in the parking lot.

This man, this incredible Older Man with whom I was already madly in love with looked up at me from the dirty parking lot, through his rapidly blackening eye and said, with so much love…. “Never used a socket wrench before, honey?” Uh, no, I hadn’t. Sorry ‘bout that.

So, at long last, we arrived at the haunted house, which was across the street from another haunted house. They had deals on tickets for both, because, hey, why not? We got our tickets and filed into the first haunted house. It was pretty scary- the darkness, and the narrow hallways, the uneven floors- all of it is supposed to leave you feeling disorientated, and hell, I feel disorientated most of the time anyway. Unbeknownst to me, WH was pointing at me behind my back, encouraging all the ghoulies to scare me. They did, and by the time we got towards the end of the house, I was pretty jittery. We rounded a corner just in time to hear our friend yell “Chainsaw Guy!” WH grabbed my wrist and tried to pull me past the guy wielding the chainsaw, but he was a moment too late. Chainsaw Guy came at me with his chainsaw, just like in all the horror movies I love….

I crumpled into the fetal position, on the floor and screamed and cried. Internet? I screamed and cried so badly that Chainsaw Guy turned off his chainsaw, knelt down on the floor and apologized to me. Haunted house actors are not in the habit of doing this, in case you didn’t know. WH led me out of the house, shocked. He asked me “What happened? You heard the warning, and I tried to pull you with me… Why did you freak out so hard on that guy? It’s not real, and you know it isn’t real….. I don’t get it.”

I was horrified, humiliated- I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Not only had I given my boyfriend a black eye, but I had just collapsed into a sobbing pile at a third rate haunted house in front of his friends. I had absolutely no explanation for it at all. None. We went into the next haunted house, which also ended with Chainsaw Guy, and I did fine. I passed the test. I made it out alive. I have not been to a haunted house since.

Happy Halloween!


2 Responses

  1. Um, I totally understand. It would send me into a total fetal position too.
    The fact that you went back shows you’re a much better woman than I.

  2. Ok, the fact that Chainsaw guy turned off his chainsaw and apologized made it worse. Why did he have to call you out like that?! That ain’t right!
    Girl, that wrench story is funny. Does WH have a brother?

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