Name Change

It’s that time of the month again. No, it’s not my period. It’s my period end closing, which is almost as unpleasant, except for the bleeding and cramps. The reason that the closing is unpleasant, when mostly I love my job, is that I work with fucktards. So, it is not so much a closing as a “figure out what in the name of all that is holy was done here, fix it, and then close the period” type of gig. Salespeople send stuff to customers “off the books” for evaluation, or for a trade show sample. Purchasing screws up their purchase orders, and Payables tries to help her hide it, which is like the blind leading the stupid. Receivables split a deposit check on two different orders, but just, like, forgot to book $400 of the customer’s payment.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, my owner starts asking for final figures and preliminary financial statements before the last batch of billing is done for the month. When I roll my eyes at him, he starts asking me to set a deadline. Which I will do, but once I set it, inevitably something happens with works in progress or purchases clearing that sets me behind and I have to miss it. That makes both of us crazy- him because he wants his figures, and me because I will get the disapproval when I wasn’t the one who made the mistake, and sometimes the person who did isn’t even on my staff.

So, today, when I was running ahead, when things were going well, when those reports and reconciliations were flying off of my desk, everyone decided to bug me. EVERYONE. Marketing wanted a copy of the lease to the new copier, a lease I never had for a copier I didn’t buy. Payables wants me to drop everything to answer her questions, even though they aren’t anything that she couldn’t email me about and wait for a response. Receivables wants to discuss life, love and anything but business. The owner wants to me to help him with something else, but also have my clone continue to work on the closing, so that it won’t delay his financial statements. Sales wants help with their expense reports.

Dale Carnegie said that everyone’s favorite word is their own name. The bastard was obviously never a manager in a cube farm.

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