A Marriage of Souls

Marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the best decision I’ve ever made. I met my husband at seventeen, moved in with him at nineteen, and married at twenty. The first night I met him, I knew he was the man I would marry.

People scoffed at us. When we got engaged, the advice poured forth in condemnation. “You’re too young. You don’t know who you are yet. You don’t know what you want. You aren’t ready. It’s a starter marriage.” And on and on and on.

I thought long and hard before I married about being so young. I didn’t fear that I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t worried about being sure I wanted to wake up next to this man for the rest of my life. I did worry a little bit about the idea of giving up my independence and romantic freedom so young. Would I regret having my last new kiss at while still a teenager? Was I setting myself up for a nasty mid-life crisis? Fortunately, though, love does not wait for perfect conditions, and I consider the years we’ve spent together far more valuable than the thrills of new love.

The marriage would last, I knew, because I could just grasp the key to success. Loving is a choice, I knew this, and felt that if we could learn to grow together, and not apart, that we could endure anything.

If I had only realized what a dance it is. A tightrope act- walking a high wire. The most important part is the net and the mat- that catch you when you fall, because falls are inevitable. Forgiveness, patience and commitment must form the base of the marriage- a soft place to land.

Enduring growth and change within a marriage is hard. Two people build a foundation, and a house on that foundation, and then spend the remainder of their lives together constantly remodeling that house, one room at a time, over and over and over again in a never ending cycle of change. Love must be flexible enough to weather all of this change, and the individuals must make a priority of tending to the whole of the couple.

It is not enough to love. You must love enough to change, to grow, to allow the other person the space and support to change and grow themselves. Somehow, amid all of this changing, in this constant evolution, you still must be able to come to each other in love, to find new ways of loving and being and being together.

To me, this is the heart of a good marriage. It is the hardest part, and the most rewarding. To be supportive when you are resentful. To love and show love despite anger, hurt or disappointment. Reassuring and recommitting to a new dimension of the relationship. Learning when to give chase and when to walk the other way. Having your own interests and goals without neglecting shared interests and goals. Accepting the ebb and flow of affection and attention both given and received.

This dance, when perfected, is the highest love there is- the kind that makes you want to be the very best person you can be, while wanting almost more to help the love of your life give the world all you know they have to give. In this love, successes and failures are shared, victory celebrated and defeat mourned as one soul, and twice as powerful.